This girl... Is me.

She sits on her bed, legs crossed, her shoulders back, breathing deeply, and three tears run down her cheeks as she tries to clear her head, and rid her mind and body of all that's stressing her. Instead, she ends up thinking about all the people who support her. Spencer. AnnMarie and  Ann's dad. Kecia. Paige. Kayla. The school nurse. Her aunt. Her grandparents. Oma. Fred. Grandma Mo. And, she realizes, as she's sitting on her bed with those tears rolling down her cheeks, dripping off her chin and into her lap, that even though her Dad doesn't support her, there are so many people that do. And she's left wondering why it's such a big deal that one person doesn't. The easiest answer would be that it's her dad. Shouldn't she care what he thinks of her and what she does? She thinks and thinks. And, comes to realize this:

 Just because her dad doesn't approve of the boy she loves, and doesn't give her writing, her style of fashion, her art, and her life, and her dreams any recognition, doesn't mean she should get all wrapped up in those things. What's the point of that? There isn't she decides. She has a  wonderful future ahead of her. She has love. And, soon, in a bit of time, her wedding, then her own family. A husband who loves her. And cares about her. And two healthy kids who she'll love almost as much as her husband-to-be. And, with all that in front of her, why the fuck should she care about what one person thinks? Particularly when that person means nothing to her? 

Thinking about my life.

I've been thinking recently, about what's happened in my life. And how I've reacted to the bad things. Recently, I was cleaning out my room, and I found the original to my story Flat On The Floor. And, I remembered how I used to write whenever I was upset. Whenever I was feeling sad, or lonely, or just plain feeling shitty. I remembered how much better I felt, when I wrote, how I could look back to the start of my writing and read through what I had written and how amazing it felt to see how much better my writing had become since I started writing. My mom used to write non-fiction. Me? I've always been into fiction. With very complex characters. Characters that have back-stories that you never really hear about. The kids who have parents that steal they're child's prescription pain-killers. And, mad scientists who take illicit drugs and make it so they treat manic depression and schizophrenia. I LOVE writing. And, I'm not vain. I know that I'm a good writer. I've been told so many times. Yes, I know some of the content isn't very y'know read to your seventh grade class out loud. It's more high school appropriate. But, writing makes me feel good. It makes me proud of myself. It makes me feel like I'm going to make a mark on the world. But, not just with writing. I also want to be a landscape designer. And maybe, be a good-enough landscaper to design a garden for the czar of Russia! I want to have a cat shelter in my garage. There's so much I want to do, travel across the world, learning about flowers and the landscape designs of different countries all over the world! I want to go to St. Petersburg in Russia. And, I want to go to Austria and sing songs from the Sound Of Music just so I can remember it later, and laugh, and have all these great fantastic memories! When, right now, I don't have very many. I want to get some of those Kodak disposable cameras, and take tons of pictures of me and my friends together, and have it up on a wall. It's gonna be awesome! Now, all I need is tape and disposable cameras.

Things I know.

Marriage. 21st century marriage. Very few marriages last. Particularly high school sweetheart marriages. My grandparents got lucky. Oma and Fred are near their sixty year anniversary. They met when they were 15. They got married when they were 17. They are high school sweethearts. I have been told, since Spencer and I started dating, that we would never last. I was always getting told that my Oma and Fred were lucky. Personally,  I'm tired of being told that I can't make it. I'm tired of being told that the love I've found isn't love. I'm tired of being told that I can't do something. I'm tired of not being good enough. 


 I know that I'm not the only teenager that's feeling this way. It's sad.  People will say that a divorce is the biggest way to ruin a kid's childhood. What I know is that that is not true. And, rape can tear apart a person's life, and self-esteem. But, the way to tear apart a person's life is pressure. Pressure is the perfect way to take a funny, happy, carefree child. Pressure can take a person and fill them with fear, and helplessness, and a drive to try and be "perfect". I know this. Because, I'm that kid. And, I know I'm not the only kid feeling this way. The people you go to, and try to get help from, they tell you to confront the people pressuring you. But, what if that person is your dad? Or your mom?  Then. . . Escaping is hard. Too hard. And, the waiting sucks. I have two more years. Two years. Two summers of missing him, and feeling miserable. And rarely seeing my love. Sooner or later, I'm going to be counting down the days until I move out and get to be with the one I love and just be happy. And good enough. Instead of never being good enough. And never being able to say that I tried my hardest, and did my best. And have that be all I need to say.  And not have another voice say: You didn't! You could have done better!  I'm tired of being told I've never done enough. I have a wonderful love who looks at me, and sees me as perfect. I keep thinking why doesn't dad see the same? I'm his oldest daughter. . . 

hey GUYS!

Christ, it's been a long while since I posted up on here. And lots of shitola has happened. There's been drama, and downsides and goodsides :) THERE'S BEEN A GREAT DAY TODAY! I vwent blueberry picking with Spencer and his gma and gpa, and it was AWESOME!  I had an awesome time, wandering around Snohomish afterwards :) I want to do that next summer :)

ah. The joys of DRAMA!

Yes, I have been hit by Nichelle drama again. Except... In the form of Spencer and I being angry with each other. Lovely. I hope its resolved I'll see late tomorrow night :)

HEY PEOPLES!!!

Yeah yea yea i havent written in a while, BUT, i just want to redirect you to my new blog, because, well, it's more explanatory than this blog, its a bit sad at times, BUT, i hope you find it inspiring :)
here's the link:
http://allhailthealmightyassholandhiscohorts.blogspot.com/


if it doesnt work it should show up on my profile. i dunno it should work.

Me. Ah, me. Terribly confused and fucked up.

I'm not hungry. I'm not happy. I am confused. I am missing you terribly. Why does life have to be like this? Touching up on my friend Joushua's post... Everyone has their own demons. The parts of themselves where they desperately try to get rid of their demons but, are constantly being pulled back.Whether it's addiction... Or parents being assholes leading to you being miserable... Or if it's having problems with hurting yourself... Or depression...  Everyone has their own demons. No one will ever be perfect. Perfect is the unattainable goal that everyone has. The perfect job, perfectly behaved children, so on and so forth. HOWEVER. Perfect. Sucks. It's so boring? Wouldn't you rather be all you and have fun and get through the ups and downs in your life with your loved one than never have any ups and downs at all? There is no such thing as the perfect relationship. NO SUCH THING. So why don't you all shut the fuck up and be happy with your life. Oh snapple people. You all want to be perfect. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT. ONLY UNATTANABLE. 

Support. Josh. Ann. Kecia. Spencer.

WELL. Obviously this post is about very very very important things. First thing I have to say: This post is going to be separated by the people it's about. In no particular order. All the people are SUPER FANTABULOUS! And very very, supportive. FIRSTLY. Josh. I met (well... Talked to) Josh about... uhm, a few months ago. He's been super fun to talk to, and crazy awesome. He's like the awesome older brother I never got to have :) Kecia. I LOVE YOU SIS!!!! You've been awesome to talk to, and I trusted you from the first time I talked to you, and there have only been about three people that I've ever had that kind of connection to, and one of them is you! And, it took me awhile, but, I have asked you some seriously tmi but personal stuff, and told you about all the stuff with my family, and some of the stuff with me. Spencer. I loves you!!!!! We've been through so many ups and downs, and dated uhm... A bunch of times. I figured out when we first started dating! November 21st or 22nd. I went through all the messages from myspace. I don't care if dad disowns me, I'll marry you. I want to. So badly. ANNMARIE. That. Fight. SUCKED RONALD MCDONALD'S BALLS LIKE BRIDGET BASS DOES. I remember that joke well. ;P And, I'm sure that right now, Bridget Bass. Is on her knees. Which is the grossest thing to ever think of or picture so I'm going to move on before I die of grossness. Anywhore, letus hopeus the rumors stop. Otherwise we have some bitches to curb stomp. Lol jkjkjkjk. Dude. Tomorrow. Hanging out. You. Help. Me. Babysit. NOW. Bloggers who read this, this post is incredibly random and doesn't really make any sense but, let me say this: these four people are awesome and I love them all. They're all incredibly awesome in their own ways, and Josh and Ann and Kecia are the BEST FAMILY EVER and Spencer you're the best fiance in the world :)