Things I know.

Marriage. 21st century marriage. Very few marriages last. Particularly high school sweetheart marriages. My grandparents got lucky. Oma and Fred are near their sixty year anniversary. They met when they were 15. They got married when they were 17. They are high school sweethearts. I have been told, since Spencer and I started dating, that we would never last. I was always getting told that my Oma and Fred were lucky. Personally,  I'm tired of being told that I can't make it. I'm tired of being told that the love I've found isn't love. I'm tired of being told that I can't do something. I'm tired of not being good enough. 


 I know that I'm not the only teenager that's feeling this way. It's sad.  People will say that a divorce is the biggest way to ruin a kid's childhood. What I know is that that is not true. And, rape can tear apart a person's life, and self-esteem. But, the way to tear apart a person's life is pressure. Pressure is the perfect way to take a funny, happy, carefree child. Pressure can take a person and fill them with fear, and helplessness, and a drive to try and be "perfect". I know this. Because, I'm that kid. And, I know I'm not the only kid feeling this way. The people you go to, and try to get help from, they tell you to confront the people pressuring you. But, what if that person is your dad? Or your mom?  Then. . . Escaping is hard. Too hard. And, the waiting sucks. I have two more years. Two years. Two summers of missing him, and feeling miserable. And rarely seeing my love. Sooner or later, I'm going to be counting down the days until I move out and get to be with the one I love and just be happy. And good enough. Instead of never being good enough. And never being able to say that I tried my hardest, and did my best. And have that be all I need to say.  And not have another voice say: You didn't! You could have done better!  I'm tired of being told I've never done enough. I have a wonderful love who looks at me, and sees me as perfect. I keep thinking why doesn't dad see the same? I'm his oldest daughter. . . 

hey GUYS!

Christ, it's been a long while since I posted up on here. And lots of shitola has happened. There's been drama, and downsides and goodsides :) THERE'S BEEN A GREAT DAY TODAY! I vwent blueberry picking with Spencer and his gma and gpa, and it was AWESOME!  I had an awesome time, wandering around Snohomish afterwards :) I want to do that next summer :)

ah. The joys of DRAMA!

Yes, I have been hit by Nichelle drama again. Except... In the form of Spencer and I being angry with each other. Lovely. I hope its resolved I'll see late tomorrow night :)

HEY PEOPLES!!!

Yeah yea yea i havent written in a while, BUT, i just want to redirect you to my new blog, because, well, it's more explanatory than this blog, its a bit sad at times, BUT, i hope you find it inspiring :)
here's the link:
http://allhailthealmightyassholandhiscohorts.blogspot.com/


if it doesnt work it should show up on my profile. i dunno it should work.

Me. Ah, me. Terribly confused and fucked up.

I'm not hungry. I'm not happy. I am confused. I am missing you terribly. Why does life have to be like this? Touching up on my friend Joushua's post... Everyone has their own demons. The parts of themselves where they desperately try to get rid of their demons but, are constantly being pulled back.Whether it's addiction... Or parents being assholes leading to you being miserable... Or if it's having problems with hurting yourself... Or depression...  Everyone has their own demons. No one will ever be perfect. Perfect is the unattainable goal that everyone has. The perfect job, perfectly behaved children, so on and so forth. HOWEVER. Perfect. Sucks. It's so boring? Wouldn't you rather be all you and have fun and get through the ups and downs in your life with your loved one than never have any ups and downs at all? There is no such thing as the perfect relationship. NO SUCH THING. So why don't you all shut the fuck up and be happy with your life. Oh snapple people. You all want to be perfect. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT. ONLY UNATTANABLE. 

Support. Josh. Ann. Kecia. Spencer.

WELL. Obviously this post is about very very very important things. First thing I have to say: This post is going to be separated by the people it's about. In no particular order. All the people are SUPER FANTABULOUS! And very very, supportive. FIRSTLY. Josh. I met (well... Talked to) Josh about... uhm, a few months ago. He's been super fun to talk to, and crazy awesome. He's like the awesome older brother I never got to have :) Kecia. I LOVE YOU SIS!!!! You've been awesome to talk to, and I trusted you from the first time I talked to you, and there have only been about three people that I've ever had that kind of connection to, and one of them is you! And, it took me awhile, but, I have asked you some seriously tmi but personal stuff, and told you about all the stuff with my family, and some of the stuff with me. Spencer. I loves you!!!!! We've been through so many ups and downs, and dated uhm... A bunch of times. I figured out when we first started dating! November 21st or 22nd. I went through all the messages from myspace. I don't care if dad disowns me, I'll marry you. I want to. So badly. ANNMARIE. That. Fight. SUCKED RONALD MCDONALD'S BALLS LIKE BRIDGET BASS DOES. I remember that joke well. ;P And, I'm sure that right now, Bridget Bass. Is on her knees. Which is the grossest thing to ever think of or picture so I'm going to move on before I die of grossness. Anywhore, letus hopeus the rumors stop. Otherwise we have some bitches to curb stomp. Lol jkjkjkjk. Dude. Tomorrow. Hanging out. You. Help. Me. Babysit. NOW. Bloggers who read this, this post is incredibly random and doesn't really make any sense but, let me say this: these four people are awesome and I love them all. They're all incredibly awesome in their own ways, and Josh and Ann and Kecia are the BEST FAMILY EVER and Spencer you're the best fiance in the world :)

Rawrawrawr! More inspiring-ed-ness<--- is that even a word?

SO. Ann and I are friends again. It started, with me talking to her because I promised Spencer I'd patch up. AND then I had Spencer tell her to text me, and we just totally picked up where we left off. We BOTH each had a Shift. CRAZY. But, crazy awesome, beCAUSE I has my friend back! Which is awesome! I went to work today! And I made about a hundred dollars today :) Awesomeness! I get paid on monday. I want to see him...

ADVENTURES ON LSD #3: NeverLand

So, Harry the Unicorn was driving me and James the Fucking Pixie, off to where-ever, he wouldn't tell us. AND THEN. In the car Harry passed back a bottle to James, and James said: "Wtf is this?" Harry said he had got it at a store. And, this confused me, I looked at the bottle and said:"What store sells 'Lysergic acid diethylamide?" Harry said he didn't know. That some guy said he made it special and it was a hallucinogen and that we were gonna have a wild trip. James looked at the bottle and said: "THIS SHIT HAS KETAMINE IN IT??? DUDE. That's fucking cat laughing gas!!!" Harry shrugged and said: "Try it. Both of you. I dare you." So we popped us both a pill. AND... EVERYTHING'S SO FUCKING GREEN!!!! IT'S LIKE WE'RE INSIDE A LIME!!!!! James and I scream. And, then.. "HOLY SHIT I'M COVERED IN CATS!!! AND... I'M A SUPERHERO!!!!!!!" We jumped away from the car and the cats, and we went to NEVERLAND! And. We. Met. PETER PAN! And we reaquainted ourselves with JESUS'S NINJA FAIRY ANGEL ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!!!!! And.... WE SAW JESUS COME BACK FROM THE DEAD! And then... NARWAHLS CAPTURED US!And started TORTURING US AND MAUHLING US!!! IT WENT ON FOR hours!!!!!!!!!!!! AND AND. THEN NYAN CAT AND JESUS SAVED US!!!!! And then, we woke up in the car, covered in cats. And zombies. And narwahl parts.

Again.... Ann.... Drama....

OKAY, so, apparently, Ann apologized to Spencer. About ALL the shit that's happened. I highly doubt that I'm going to believe her bullshit. And here we go again... Great. I'm in a bad mood now. Just a grrr mood. OKAY. Spencer sent me the whole conversation. And just, wow. She didn't know all the damage she did, but now she does. The drama is back to Hayleyville. And I am not happy about it.I thought Ann was out of my life. Uh huh uh huh. Y'no. I can tell you this for sure, Spencer handled the situation so. Much. Better. Than. I would've. Hahaha I would've gone to her house and screamed my head off, or worse, told her parents everything. I'm in a hater mood.I'll keep you guys posted on Hayley in DramaCity

I am NEVER EVER asking Dad about anything. EVER AGAIN.

OKAY, so: ARTICLE A: Tristia and I decided me, her, Christian, and Spencer should do another couples thing again. ARTICLE B: Tristia said we should go to the fair on August 5th. And I said, Sure! Sounds awesome. ARTICLE C: Spencer's grandma said yes, Mom said she had No Problem With Me Going. ARTICLE D: I decided that I should let Dad know, so I told him the situation, TOLD THE TRUTH, well... Sort of. I said Spencer might be there. Dad said he had lots of time to think about it. COME ON!!! SO. Now, I am never ever EVER asking dad about anything ever again. Because, this always happens. Like with bowling. Dad and I argued for an HOUR. The day OF when the bowling dealio was set up. I did get to go, but, Mom said it was fine. Dad decided Mom's word didn't count. Like he just did. AND, I even told him, Mom. Said. It. Wasn't. A. Problem. The biggest thing I needed from Dad was money. To get in, for food, and for tickets, and miscellaneous other things. SO, now I have to wait. For another TWO WEEKS. Until, dad MIGHT give me: Money, a Yes/No, and a ride.  

Insomnia.

Cheers! To everyone like me, who is up until four in the morning, and asleep til two in the afternoon. BUT, right now, I need some suggestions. Because i'm running out of things to do when I can't sleep. Listening to music, it just kind of freaks me out, because i get paranoid when I'm alone. In the dark. Obviously, something is going to come out and kill me. There's that, and I have nothing to do that  isn't really quiet so I don't wake up the house. In the past few days, I have: texted Spencer and Manda in the middle of the night, exercised, written letters, read books, gone on the computer. And, mostly. Just missed Spencer. AND, I've had some crazy nightmares. You could say I've had a few strange nights. So, I would reeeaaally appreciate suggestions on what to do since, I have nothing original to do. 

Music. Shtuff. Insomnia.

I very clearly remember mentioning having insomnia before. Today however. I was up until a little while after four am, then kinda drifted in half-sleep for a while, then went out like a rock. I was out cold. Lucky me. Since I couldn't sleep, I listening to DJ s3rl's song Addict. And this part of the song I have nearly memorized: 

"Flip it, pop it, take it, drop it
Cut it, whack it, snort it, jack it
Light it, smoke it, puff it, choke it
Boot it, shoot it, don't dilute it
Flip it, pop it, take it, drop it
Cut it, whack it, snort it, jack it
Light it, smoke it, puff it, choke it
Up your nose, here we go!" 
It's not most politically friendly song. BUT, IT'S FRICKEN AWESOME!!!! I know this cuz since last night I have listened to it about a million times. On insomnia, I have been up for about an hour, and am immensely tired.  Like, when people have depression they don't have the motivation to do things right? I'm almost about that tired.If I could I'd drink about twelve NOS's or take amphetamines. There's something I'd like to share with you though. Does anyone remember old fashioned diet pills? The ones that first came out. For a long time diet pills were made with amphetamines. They got you on a high, and made you less hungry, and they got you high as in, you could exercise for hours. So, they worked. BUT, does anyone notice the word amphetamine in methamphetamine? See, drug makers would take diet pills and take the amphetamines out of the pill and use it to make meth. SO, the U.S. banned diet pills with amphetamines in it. It was that crazy bad. Now, I was standing in Wally World yesterday night, with my parents and Meg and PJ my younger sisters, and we were in the vitamin section. I walked up to the diet pills and carefully inspected the ingredient section of several different diet pills. Nope. No amphetamines. Which is probably why diet pills DON'T WORK. Have you ever seen someone on meth? They are scary skinny. Worse than anorexic models. They have the double whammy of amphetamines making them freak out and being all high and can't sit still, and not wanting to eat. I know all this because I wanted to know more about anorexia for I book I am currently writing, and the book I found in the school library is called ANOREXIA AND DRUGS. I can see why they have to add the AND DRUGS bit. But, it was really mostly just about meth. I think they should've called it: Methamphetamine, and Anorexia. I also found out that the clinical name for anorexia is anorexia nervosa. Funny how diet pills went from a quick way for people to get skinnier, to helping anorexics get even more scary skinnier, to drug dealers making methamphetamines. Well, back to something funner. I am working on another ADVENTURES ON LSD for you guys. And James and I are going to NEVER LAND!!! To meet Peter Pan, and visit Jesus's grave. But, there's gonna be a bit of a... Crazy end to it. So, keep checking, I'll post it up in an hour or so.

Facebook. Blogging. Birthdays.

Herro! Okay, so, on facebook, my birthday is today! Happy birthday to me. Dadadadadadada! NOW. My real birthday is September 19th. Crazily enough, Cameron's birthday. Everyone remember Cameron? RECAP: Cameron. Cameron Bennett. Spencer's little brother. Cam is in Texas. Cameron is a cool dude from what I've heard. SO, all day, and I mean all day. I've been getting texts from facebook from people posting on my wall HAPPY BIRTHDAY! and so on. Around nine am my phone was buzzing. NON STOP. And, see, we were up at Jeff and Jen's last night, so OF COURSE I was home around one. And was up until sometime after two am, playing video games or as I said to Manda: I was having some: VIDEO GAMAGE! Eventually I had to go cuz there was this one guy I was trying to beat. Btw, I've been playing POKEMON MYSTERY RED DUNGEON! And, I was at Mt Blaze trying to beat this one crazy asshole motherf*****! It took me about two hours to beat him! Now, I'm in the Frosty Grotto trying to get past these guys that NONE of my cool moves work on. PLUS I have no reviver seeds, okay okay video game dork I know I know.Anywho, back to facebook.It's really quite sad. People will believe most anything they see on facebook. Like my birthday being today. Even friends of mine that used to know when my birthday is believed it. Fail. Now, onto Blogging. I like blogging much better than facebook and myspace. I've said this before. But, I want to go more into depth. On facebook you just put up your age, and where you live and so on. People already know all about you. You can't go and let people get to know you. Because they already know. You must agree with me, that's no fun. How can you get to really know someone if you don't talk to them, whether it's by texting, over the phone, online chat, video chat, or in person? What happened to when you were in elementary school, and when you wanted to get to know someone you went up to the person and talked to them? You didn't friend them on facebook. Or ask your friend to talk to them and have them tell that guy you liked them. You told them yourself. Something strange has happened to the world. People are getting more and more shy.And it's sad. As a little kid, you'd go up to any person you wanted who was your age and you would talk to them and say your name and one of you most favorite things. I kinda miss that. There was no nervousness. When I was in kindergarten girls chased boys cuz we thought it was funny. Now, boys chase girls because they want to have sex with you. It's really rare in high school to find a girl who simply asks you out, and stays with you. And gets to know you, and watches you as you get taller, and skinnier and you grow up. And then says he knows who he wants to marry. You don't see that anymore. Yeah, arranged marriages suck. And I'm glad they are on the kibosh here in America. Moving back along, why can't people just talk to each other? In person. Without all this shyness? I know people who are naturally shy. Alex is. I sort of am. Spencer is. I like meeting new people. That's why public school is so cool. You're with other kids. And, online school is kind of stupid. I can see how useful it is, when you and your mom both have to work to try and feed a family of ten. I get that. Or, when you have to work to pay for your own kid. That I fully understand. Online college too. Like, when you have three kids and you have to go back to school cuz you're about several months from losing your house. But, I kind of agree with my mom, I don't have to have a facebook. I could completely live without  one. I definitely am gonna talk to my kids when they ask to have one. I mean, why have things you don't need? Think about that every now and again.