Thinking about my life.

I've been thinking recently, about what's happened in my life. And how I've reacted to the bad things. Recently, I was cleaning out my room, and I found the original to my story Flat On The Floor. And, I remembered how I used to write whenever I was upset. Whenever I was feeling sad, or lonely, or just plain feeling shitty. I remembered how much better I felt, when I wrote, how I could look back to the start of my writing and read through what I had written and how amazing it felt to see how much better my writing had become since I started writing. My mom used to write non-fiction. Me? I've always been into fiction. With very complex characters. Characters that have back-stories that you never really hear about. The kids who have parents that steal they're child's prescription pain-killers. And, mad scientists who take illicit drugs and make it so they treat manic depression and schizophrenia. I LOVE writing. And, I'm not vain. I know that I'm a good writer. I've been told so many times. Yes, I know some of the content isn't very y'know read to your seventh grade class out loud. It's more high school appropriate. But, writing makes me feel good. It makes me proud of myself. It makes me feel like I'm going to make a mark on the world. But, not just with writing. I also want to be a landscape designer. And maybe, be a good-enough landscaper to design a garden for the czar of Russia! I want to have a cat shelter in my garage. There's so much I want to do, travel across the world, learning about flowers and the landscape designs of different countries all over the world! I want to go to St. Petersburg in Russia. And, I want to go to Austria and sing songs from the Sound Of Music just so I can remember it later, and laugh, and have all these great fantastic memories! When, right now, I don't have very many. I want to get some of those Kodak disposable cameras, and take tons of pictures of me and my friends together, and have it up on a wall. It's gonna be awesome! Now, all I need is tape and disposable cameras.

Things I know.

Marriage. 21st century marriage. Very few marriages last. Particularly high school sweetheart marriages. My grandparents got lucky. Oma and Fred are near their sixty year anniversary. They met when they were 15. They got married when they were 17. They are high school sweethearts. I have been told, since Spencer and I started dating, that we would never last. I was always getting told that my Oma and Fred were lucky. Personally,  I'm tired of being told that I can't make it. I'm tired of being told that the love I've found isn't love. I'm tired of being told that I can't do something. I'm tired of not being good enough. 


 I know that I'm not the only teenager that's feeling this way. It's sad.  People will say that a divorce is the biggest way to ruin a kid's childhood. What I know is that that is not true. And, rape can tear apart a person's life, and self-esteem. But, the way to tear apart a person's life is pressure. Pressure is the perfect way to take a funny, happy, carefree child. Pressure can take a person and fill them with fear, and helplessness, and a drive to try and be "perfect". I know this. Because, I'm that kid. And, I know I'm not the only kid feeling this way. The people you go to, and try to get help from, they tell you to confront the people pressuring you. But, what if that person is your dad? Or your mom?  Then. . . Escaping is hard. Too hard. And, the waiting sucks. I have two more years. Two years. Two summers of missing him, and feeling miserable. And rarely seeing my love. Sooner or later, I'm going to be counting down the days until I move out and get to be with the one I love and just be happy. And good enough. Instead of never being good enough. And never being able to say that I tried my hardest, and did my best. And have that be all I need to say.  And not have another voice say: You didn't! You could have done better!  I'm tired of being told I've never done enough. I have a wonderful love who looks at me, and sees me as perfect. I keep thinking why doesn't dad see the same? I'm his oldest daughter. . . 

hey GUYS!

Christ, it's been a long while since I posted up on here. And lots of shitola has happened. There's been drama, and downsides and goodsides :) THERE'S BEEN A GREAT DAY TODAY! I vwent blueberry picking with Spencer and his gma and gpa, and it was AWESOME!  I had an awesome time, wandering around Snohomish afterwards :) I want to do that next summer :)

ah. The joys of DRAMA!

Yes, I have been hit by Nichelle drama again. Except... In the form of Spencer and I being angry with each other. Lovely. I hope its resolved I'll see late tomorrow night :)

HEY PEOPLES!!!

Yeah yea yea i havent written in a while, BUT, i just want to redirect you to my new blog, because, well, it's more explanatory than this blog, its a bit sad at times, BUT, i hope you find it inspiring :)
here's the link:
http://allhailthealmightyassholandhiscohorts.blogspot.com/


if it doesnt work it should show up on my profile. i dunno it should work.

Me. Ah, me. Terribly confused and fucked up.

I'm not hungry. I'm not happy. I am confused. I am missing you terribly. Why does life have to be like this? Touching up on my friend Joushua's post... Everyone has their own demons. The parts of themselves where they desperately try to get rid of their demons but, are constantly being pulled back.Whether it's addiction... Or parents being assholes leading to you being miserable... Or if it's having problems with hurting yourself... Or depression...  Everyone has their own demons. No one will ever be perfect. Perfect is the unattainable goal that everyone has. The perfect job, perfectly behaved children, so on and so forth. HOWEVER. Perfect. Sucks. It's so boring? Wouldn't you rather be all you and have fun and get through the ups and downs in your life with your loved one than never have any ups and downs at all? There is no such thing as the perfect relationship. NO SUCH THING. So why don't you all shut the fuck up and be happy with your life. Oh snapple people. You all want to be perfect. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT. ONLY UNATTANABLE. 

Support. Josh. Ann. Kecia. Spencer.

WELL. Obviously this post is about very very very important things. First thing I have to say: This post is going to be separated by the people it's about. In no particular order. All the people are SUPER FANTABULOUS! And very very, supportive. FIRSTLY. Josh. I met (well... Talked to) Josh about... uhm, a few months ago. He's been super fun to talk to, and crazy awesome. He's like the awesome older brother I never got to have :) Kecia. I LOVE YOU SIS!!!! You've been awesome to talk to, and I trusted you from the first time I talked to you, and there have only been about three people that I've ever had that kind of connection to, and one of them is you! And, it took me awhile, but, I have asked you some seriously tmi but personal stuff, and told you about all the stuff with my family, and some of the stuff with me. Spencer. I loves you!!!!! We've been through so many ups and downs, and dated uhm... A bunch of times. I figured out when we first started dating! November 21st or 22nd. I went through all the messages from myspace. I don't care if dad disowns me, I'll marry you. I want to. So badly. ANNMARIE. That. Fight. SUCKED RONALD MCDONALD'S BALLS LIKE BRIDGET BASS DOES. I remember that joke well. ;P And, I'm sure that right now, Bridget Bass. Is on her knees. Which is the grossest thing to ever think of or picture so I'm going to move on before I die of grossness. Anywhore, letus hopeus the rumors stop. Otherwise we have some bitches to curb stomp. Lol jkjkjkjk. Dude. Tomorrow. Hanging out. You. Help. Me. Babysit. NOW. Bloggers who read this, this post is incredibly random and doesn't really make any sense but, let me say this: these four people are awesome and I love them all. They're all incredibly awesome in their own ways, and Josh and Ann and Kecia are the BEST FAMILY EVER and Spencer you're the best fiance in the world :)

Rawrawrawr! More inspiring-ed-ness<--- is that even a word?

SO. Ann and I are friends again. It started, with me talking to her because I promised Spencer I'd patch up. AND then I had Spencer tell her to text me, and we just totally picked up where we left off. We BOTH each had a Shift. CRAZY. But, crazy awesome, beCAUSE I has my friend back! Which is awesome! I went to work today! And I made about a hundred dollars today :) Awesomeness! I get paid on monday. I want to see him...

ADVENTURES ON LSD #3: NeverLand

So, Harry the Unicorn was driving me and James the Fucking Pixie, off to where-ever, he wouldn't tell us. AND THEN. In the car Harry passed back a bottle to James, and James said: "Wtf is this?" Harry said he had got it at a store. And, this confused me, I looked at the bottle and said:"What store sells 'Lysergic acid diethylamide?" Harry said he didn't know. That some guy said he made it special and it was a hallucinogen and that we were gonna have a wild trip. James looked at the bottle and said: "THIS SHIT HAS KETAMINE IN IT??? DUDE. That's fucking cat laughing gas!!!" Harry shrugged and said: "Try it. Both of you. I dare you." So we popped us both a pill. AND... EVERYTHING'S SO FUCKING GREEN!!!! IT'S LIKE WE'RE INSIDE A LIME!!!!! James and I scream. And, then.. "HOLY SHIT I'M COVERED IN CATS!!! AND... I'M A SUPERHERO!!!!!!!" We jumped away from the car and the cats, and we went to NEVERLAND! And. We. Met. PETER PAN! And we reaquainted ourselves with JESUS'S NINJA FAIRY ANGEL ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!!!!! And.... WE SAW JESUS COME BACK FROM THE DEAD! And then... NARWAHLS CAPTURED US!And started TORTURING US AND MAUHLING US!!! IT WENT ON FOR hours!!!!!!!!!!!! AND AND. THEN NYAN CAT AND JESUS SAVED US!!!!! And then, we woke up in the car, covered in cats. And zombies. And narwahl parts.

Again.... Ann.... Drama....

OKAY, so, apparently, Ann apologized to Spencer. About ALL the shit that's happened. I highly doubt that I'm going to believe her bullshit. And here we go again... Great. I'm in a bad mood now. Just a grrr mood. OKAY. Spencer sent me the whole conversation. And just, wow. She didn't know all the damage she did, but now she does. The drama is back to Hayleyville. And I am not happy about it.I thought Ann was out of my life. Uh huh uh huh. Y'no. I can tell you this for sure, Spencer handled the situation so. Much. Better. Than. I would've. Hahaha I would've gone to her house and screamed my head off, or worse, told her parents everything. I'm in a hater mood.I'll keep you guys posted on Hayley in DramaCity

I am NEVER EVER asking Dad about anything. EVER AGAIN.

OKAY, so: ARTICLE A: Tristia and I decided me, her, Christian, and Spencer should do another couples thing again. ARTICLE B: Tristia said we should go to the fair on August 5th. And I said, Sure! Sounds awesome. ARTICLE C: Spencer's grandma said yes, Mom said she had No Problem With Me Going. ARTICLE D: I decided that I should let Dad know, so I told him the situation, TOLD THE TRUTH, well... Sort of. I said Spencer might be there. Dad said he had lots of time to think about it. COME ON!!! SO. Now, I am never ever EVER asking dad about anything ever again. Because, this always happens. Like with bowling. Dad and I argued for an HOUR. The day OF when the bowling dealio was set up. I did get to go, but, Mom said it was fine. Dad decided Mom's word didn't count. Like he just did. AND, I even told him, Mom. Said. It. Wasn't. A. Problem. The biggest thing I needed from Dad was money. To get in, for food, and for tickets, and miscellaneous other things. SO, now I have to wait. For another TWO WEEKS. Until, dad MIGHT give me: Money, a Yes/No, and a ride.  

Insomnia.

Cheers! To everyone like me, who is up until four in the morning, and asleep til two in the afternoon. BUT, right now, I need some suggestions. Because i'm running out of things to do when I can't sleep. Listening to music, it just kind of freaks me out, because i get paranoid when I'm alone. In the dark. Obviously, something is going to come out and kill me. There's that, and I have nothing to do that  isn't really quiet so I don't wake up the house. In the past few days, I have: texted Spencer and Manda in the middle of the night, exercised, written letters, read books, gone on the computer. And, mostly. Just missed Spencer. AND, I've had some crazy nightmares. You could say I've had a few strange nights. So, I would reeeaaally appreciate suggestions on what to do since, I have nothing original to do. 

Music. Shtuff. Insomnia.

I very clearly remember mentioning having insomnia before. Today however. I was up until a little while after four am, then kinda drifted in half-sleep for a while, then went out like a rock. I was out cold. Lucky me. Since I couldn't sleep, I listening to DJ s3rl's song Addict. And this part of the song I have nearly memorized: 

"Flip it, pop it, take it, drop it
Cut it, whack it, snort it, jack it
Light it, smoke it, puff it, choke it
Boot it, shoot it, don't dilute it
Flip it, pop it, take it, drop it
Cut it, whack it, snort it, jack it
Light it, smoke it, puff it, choke it
Up your nose, here we go!" 
It's not most politically friendly song. BUT, IT'S FRICKEN AWESOME!!!! I know this cuz since last night I have listened to it about a million times. On insomnia, I have been up for about an hour, and am immensely tired.  Like, when people have depression they don't have the motivation to do things right? I'm almost about that tired.If I could I'd drink about twelve NOS's or take amphetamines. There's something I'd like to share with you though. Does anyone remember old fashioned diet pills? The ones that first came out. For a long time diet pills were made with amphetamines. They got you on a high, and made you less hungry, and they got you high as in, you could exercise for hours. So, they worked. BUT, does anyone notice the word amphetamine in methamphetamine? See, drug makers would take diet pills and take the amphetamines out of the pill and use it to make meth. SO, the U.S. banned diet pills with amphetamines in it. It was that crazy bad. Now, I was standing in Wally World yesterday night, with my parents and Meg and PJ my younger sisters, and we were in the vitamin section. I walked up to the diet pills and carefully inspected the ingredient section of several different diet pills. Nope. No amphetamines. Which is probably why diet pills DON'T WORK. Have you ever seen someone on meth? They are scary skinny. Worse than anorexic models. They have the double whammy of amphetamines making them freak out and being all high and can't sit still, and not wanting to eat. I know all this because I wanted to know more about anorexia for I book I am currently writing, and the book I found in the school library is called ANOREXIA AND DRUGS. I can see why they have to add the AND DRUGS bit. But, it was really mostly just about meth. I think they should've called it: Methamphetamine, and Anorexia. I also found out that the clinical name for anorexia is anorexia nervosa. Funny how diet pills went from a quick way for people to get skinnier, to helping anorexics get even more scary skinnier, to drug dealers making methamphetamines. Well, back to something funner. I am working on another ADVENTURES ON LSD for you guys. And James and I are going to NEVER LAND!!! To meet Peter Pan, and visit Jesus's grave. But, there's gonna be a bit of a... Crazy end to it. So, keep checking, I'll post it up in an hour or so.