I needs a band-aid.

I cut my finger this afternoon. I was using my mom's rolling fabric cutter to cut some cardboard and pushed down on the blade thinking it was the handle and my left thumb is fucked up. Fun right? No, plus we didn't have any good band-aids soooo I used two band-aids. Yeah. I hate my thumb right now.

People. Stuff. Religion.

I mentioned in my last post that I'm not religious, however, it's not simply because, I want to rebel or anything like that, I couldn't keep up with it as a kid, by the time I was about thirteen and started knowing stuff about other religions the one that stood out the most was agnosticism. It was something that made sense, I couldn't keep up with religion so I decided "hey, lets sit on the fence" and I have, and I am fine, YES I BELIEVE JESUS EXSISTED!!!!!!!!!!!! Please stop hurting me....... *in the background* mwuahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

    GEOMETRY. Okay, so, I know this is waaay far away from religion but, I have to tell you a secret. So, don't go to Russia. Because if you do and you're an American the Chinese will kidnap you and take you away where they will cut out your brain and remove everything you know about geometry and then they give your brain and your body to aliens, who keep your brain but then cut up your body parts, and sell them to mad scientists. That's why you shouldn't go to Russia. 

Weeeellll then.

Well, Hi! My oh my has it been awhile since I've been out and about. Wellll, shit has certainly happened. I was enlightened and have taken on Jesus as my savior. 




    Yea. Right. Why would I be religious when I was pumped from the day I was born that I'm supposed to believe in Jesus and so on and so forth yadadadadada religion dada Jesus. But for a while I was religious. But, what I've come to know is this,


    The best children are the ones who grow up, then question everything you've ever taught them and learn for themselves who they are, and who they're going to be. 


  Pretty smart for being sixteen. OH YEAH! I'm sixteen now! I feel pretty boss. I don't feel much different. A bit enlightened and know that I hate advisory and physical torture but, all in all I'm two years away from starting out on my own :D Which is gonna be awesome. Out and about in Eastern Washington. With my mister, well he isn't my mister. . . Yet. So, I'm positive that Spencer and I are going to last. No doubts. I mean, after all, we managed to stay together after, the argument between Ann and I, rumors about me cheating on him(that would never ever be true. Ever.), and all the lovely stress and hell called High School. 


    I mean, honestly, I'd rather be at a trade school, learning the ways of landscape design. I would probably still be in geometry, but, I would probably be learning only what I need. Which would be so much more beneficial. Why would I ever need to be able to tell you whether something is a conditional, converse, inverse or contropositive statement? What the hell is the point of that? And yes, I actually had to look at my geometry notebook to remember those terms. Which, considering that I was in that class barely under and hour ago, is, well... Sad.


    THINGS HAVE HAPPENED. Mike and Nichelle aren't dating anymore. 'Nuff said. Alisa and Alex have been dating for three months now. Which is cool cause Alex is happy and all is well in the World Of Alex Donaldson. I passed the ninth grade. Even though my parents were positive I wouldn't and by the end of the school year I had about 50 unexcused absences. Skipping school is fun. Until you get suspended ( no, I didn't get suspended) and then you're just fucked. But, a six day weekend would be pretty cool. If you're eighteen and you can go where ever you want and your friends got suspended with you. And I'm rambling. 

There are Bears and Spiders

NOW. Life,so far, has been okay. There have been ups, and downs, mostly ups lately which is nice. And whoever keeps saying that being a teenager is easy doesn't understand what it's like to be constantly thinking about one person, and not being able to focus on anything else. Well, except for when it came to first period, Spencer, writing a murder story is quite entertaining. And it took my mind off you. For about not very long. There's always that one person who you can't stop thinking about, and when you think about them you get butterflies and it's like you're falling in love over and over again everyday. I love it :) Being in love is like its, kinda like a drug you never need to buy, that you can't sell, and you would never give up. Wait... That's a terrible analogy. Oh well, anyone who's been in love understands what I'm talking about :) 

Sunday Morning.

Well, this morning sure has been pretty interesting. Dad took us out to breakfast, and we all put ourselves into a stomach coma. And, for me, I put my tummy into a sodium coma, with my salt infested hashbrowns. Which, were fanstastic! My story is coming along. Well. . . Sort of. If you count writing five parts of one plots(well, two, I'll explain later) all at once. Fun right? Particularly when you keep getting creative block and it REFUSES to fuck off. On the brighter-ish side of things, school started on thursday, and it wasn't too bad. I don't have any crazy ass teachers like Ms. Schroeder (said shray-der fucking weird I know) well, as far as I can tell. I mean, we've only had two days of school so far. As soon as I see any noticeable craziness I shall tell you. I found my new favorite Maroon 5 song! Well, two. The first is called Sunday Morning, and yes, I listened to it this morning. The second is Must Get Out. And I love these two songs. Because, well, they're great! And, for a while today and yesterday if I remember right, I had their song Nothing Lasts Forever  stuck in my head, and for the longest time I couldn't remember the name of the song, until I was doing dishes today. Too bad I don't have the song. I would definitely be listening to it right now. Oh! I got Dad to put my account back up on the computer. Which is nice. Now I don't have to spam Meghann's account with my pictures and meme's and funniness. Or my music. I got a bunch of new Maroon 5 yesterday, and in a fit of trying to make everything work, I accidentally deleted Misery and Makes Me Wonder from my mp3 player, and when I noticed I almost cried. Because those are on my list of favorites. I also found out that I have no idea where my french-english dictionary went. Which. Really sucks. That book didn't cost much but, I like to use it to try and learn french on my own(and I have failed terribly, I only know a couple french phrases and words). Sundays suck. (Refer to my very first post) But, so far, today hasn't been that bad. I have new music. And I can write, and think of Spencer and text him, and text Madi, and Kecia, and Ann, and peoples. I have to say, on the song Sunday Morning it has an amazing piano bit, and I want to learn how to play that part. And, if I go to Ann's often enough I'm sure that I shall learn it in no time. Besides, I need to go over there for Geometry. I really don't feel like taking a school math class. Learning geo with Ann would be so much more fun. Or, have Spencer help me with it. Maybe I'll be able to pass the HPSE. That sounds really ominous right? Yeah, I know. Besides, if I don't have Ann help me with biology, then I'm literally, fucked over. Because, the science HSPE is on Biology. And. . . I'm taking Horticulture. Because, growing plants sounds awesome, and the CBA for that class is really cool. I can't remember the real name of it, but, it's really cool. You can landscape someone's yard, or make a wedding flower arrangement or whatever. I'm thinking of doing a wedding flower arrangement. Mostly, cause I know that I can add ivy (not poison ivy, the kind that grows on trees n stuff) and have it wrap around the vases and have it look b-e-a-utiful. Plus, the people who live up the street grow tons of flowers and would probably totally help me, and let me have some of their flowers. Granted, if I let them have the project after it's graded and stuff. I'm thinking of using real ivy instead of fake ivy, though fake ivy would be easier to work with. Oh well, I'm a dreamer. But, at least I know that I can accomplish my dreams. No matter what Dad or Mom or anyone else says. :)

This girl... Is me.

She sits on her bed, legs crossed, her shoulders back, breathing deeply, and three tears run down her cheeks as she tries to clear her head, and rid her mind and body of all that's stressing her. Instead, she ends up thinking about all the people who support her. Spencer. AnnMarie and  Ann's dad. Kecia. Paige. Kayla. The school nurse. Her aunt. Her grandparents. Oma. Fred. Grandma Mo. And, she realizes, as she's sitting on her bed with those tears rolling down her cheeks, dripping off her chin and into her lap, that even though her Dad doesn't support her, there are so many people that do. And she's left wondering why it's such a big deal that one person doesn't. The easiest answer would be that it's her dad. Shouldn't she care what he thinks of her and what she does? She thinks and thinks. And, comes to realize this:

 Just because her dad doesn't approve of the boy she loves, and doesn't give her writing, her style of fashion, her art, and her life, and her dreams any recognition, doesn't mean she should get all wrapped up in those things. What's the point of that? There isn't she decides. She has a  wonderful future ahead of her. She has love. And, soon, in a bit of time, her wedding, then her own family. A husband who loves her. And cares about her. And two healthy kids who she'll love almost as much as her husband-to-be. And, with all that in front of her, why the fuck should she care about what one person thinks? Particularly when that person means nothing to her? 

Thinking about my life.

I've been thinking recently, about what's happened in my life. And how I've reacted to the bad things. Recently, I was cleaning out my room, and I found the original to my story Flat On The Floor. And, I remembered how I used to write whenever I was upset. Whenever I was feeling sad, or lonely, or just plain feeling shitty. I remembered how much better I felt, when I wrote, how I could look back to the start of my writing and read through what I had written and how amazing it felt to see how much better my writing had become since I started writing. My mom used to write non-fiction. Me? I've always been into fiction. With very complex characters. Characters that have back-stories that you never really hear about. The kids who have parents that steal they're child's prescription pain-killers. And, mad scientists who take illicit drugs and make it so they treat manic depression and schizophrenia. I LOVE writing. And, I'm not vain. I know that I'm a good writer. I've been told so many times. Yes, I know some of the content isn't very y'know read to your seventh grade class out loud. It's more high school appropriate. But, writing makes me feel good. It makes me proud of myself. It makes me feel like I'm going to make a mark on the world. But, not just with writing. I also want to be a landscape designer. And maybe, be a good-enough landscaper to design a garden for the czar of Russia! I want to have a cat shelter in my garage. There's so much I want to do, travel across the world, learning about flowers and the landscape designs of different countries all over the world! I want to go to St. Petersburg in Russia. And, I want to go to Austria and sing songs from the Sound Of Music just so I can remember it later, and laugh, and have all these great fantastic memories! When, right now, I don't have very many. I want to get some of those Kodak disposable cameras, and take tons of pictures of me and my friends together, and have it up on a wall. It's gonna be awesome! Now, all I need is tape and disposable cameras.

Things I know.

Marriage. 21st century marriage. Very few marriages last. Particularly high school sweetheart marriages. My grandparents got lucky. Oma and Fred are near their sixty year anniversary. They met when they were 15. They got married when they were 17. They are high school sweethearts. I have been told, since Spencer and I started dating, that we would never last. I was always getting told that my Oma and Fred were lucky. Personally,  I'm tired of being told that I can't make it. I'm tired of being told that the love I've found isn't love. I'm tired of being told that I can't do something. I'm tired of not being good enough. 


 I know that I'm not the only teenager that's feeling this way. It's sad.  People will say that a divorce is the biggest way to ruin a kid's childhood. What I know is that that is not true. And, rape can tear apart a person's life, and self-esteem. But, the way to tear apart a person's life is pressure. Pressure is the perfect way to take a funny, happy, carefree child. Pressure can take a person and fill them with fear, and helplessness, and a drive to try and be "perfect". I know this. Because, I'm that kid. And, I know I'm not the only kid feeling this way. The people you go to, and try to get help from, they tell you to confront the people pressuring you. But, what if that person is your dad? Or your mom?  Then. . . Escaping is hard. Too hard. And, the waiting sucks. I have two more years. Two years. Two summers of missing him, and feeling miserable. And rarely seeing my love. Sooner or later, I'm going to be counting down the days until I move out and get to be with the one I love and just be happy. And good enough. Instead of never being good enough. And never being able to say that I tried my hardest, and did my best. And have that be all I need to say.  And not have another voice say: You didn't! You could have done better!  I'm tired of being told I've never done enough. I have a wonderful love who looks at me, and sees me as perfect. I keep thinking why doesn't dad see the same? I'm his oldest daughter. . . 

hey GUYS!

Christ, it's been a long while since I posted up on here. And lots of shitola has happened. There's been drama, and downsides and goodsides :) THERE'S BEEN A GREAT DAY TODAY! I vwent blueberry picking with Spencer and his gma and gpa, and it was AWESOME!  I had an awesome time, wandering around Snohomish afterwards :) I want to do that next summer :)

ah. The joys of DRAMA!

Yes, I have been hit by Nichelle drama again. Except... In the form of Spencer and I being angry with each other. Lovely. I hope its resolved I'll see late tomorrow night :)

HEY PEOPLES!!!

Yeah yea yea i havent written in a while, BUT, i just want to redirect you to my new blog, because, well, it's more explanatory than this blog, its a bit sad at times, BUT, i hope you find it inspiring :)
here's the link:
http://allhailthealmightyassholandhiscohorts.blogspot.com/


if it doesnt work it should show up on my profile. i dunno it should work.

Me. Ah, me. Terribly confused and fucked up.

I'm not hungry. I'm not happy. I am confused. I am missing you terribly. Why does life have to be like this? Touching up on my friend Joushua's post... Everyone has their own demons. The parts of themselves where they desperately try to get rid of their demons but, are constantly being pulled back.Whether it's addiction... Or parents being assholes leading to you being miserable... Or if it's having problems with hurting yourself... Or depression...  Everyone has their own demons. No one will ever be perfect. Perfect is the unattainable goal that everyone has. The perfect job, perfectly behaved children, so on and so forth. HOWEVER. Perfect. Sucks. It's so boring? Wouldn't you rather be all you and have fun and get through the ups and downs in your life with your loved one than never have any ups and downs at all? There is no such thing as the perfect relationship. NO SUCH THING. So why don't you all shut the fuck up and be happy with your life. Oh snapple people. You all want to be perfect. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT. ONLY UNATTANABLE. 

Support. Josh. Ann. Kecia. Spencer.

WELL. Obviously this post is about very very very important things. First thing I have to say: This post is going to be separated by the people it's about. In no particular order. All the people are SUPER FANTABULOUS! And very very, supportive. FIRSTLY. Josh. I met (well... Talked to) Josh about... uhm, a few months ago. He's been super fun to talk to, and crazy awesome. He's like the awesome older brother I never got to have :) Kecia. I LOVE YOU SIS!!!! You've been awesome to talk to, and I trusted you from the first time I talked to you, and there have only been about three people that I've ever had that kind of connection to, and one of them is you! And, it took me awhile, but, I have asked you some seriously tmi but personal stuff, and told you about all the stuff with my family, and some of the stuff with me. Spencer. I loves you!!!!! We've been through so many ups and downs, and dated uhm... A bunch of times. I figured out when we first started dating! November 21st or 22nd. I went through all the messages from myspace. I don't care if dad disowns me, I'll marry you. I want to. So badly. ANNMARIE. That. Fight. SUCKED RONALD MCDONALD'S BALLS LIKE BRIDGET BASS DOES. I remember that joke well. ;P And, I'm sure that right now, Bridget Bass. Is on her knees. Which is the grossest thing to ever think of or picture so I'm going to move on before I die of grossness. Anywhore, letus hopeus the rumors stop. Otherwise we have some bitches to curb stomp. Lol jkjkjkjk. Dude. Tomorrow. Hanging out. You. Help. Me. Babysit. NOW. Bloggers who read this, this post is incredibly random and doesn't really make any sense but, let me say this: these four people are awesome and I love them all. They're all incredibly awesome in their own ways, and Josh and Ann and Kecia are the BEST FAMILY EVER and Spencer you're the best fiance in the world :)