Adventures on LSD
#3: Welcome to Hell
ONCE upon a time, there were five friends(and some zombie-ninja-fairies), and they really liked to trip out. And, one day, they were just messing around, when they fell… Into a hole of doom. And they landed in a random forest in I-don’t-know-where. This, is James the Fucking Pixie, Harry the Unicorn, Jesus, Maurise the Narwahl, and I’s story.
And, this story is called, Our Adventures on LSD. Story #3: Welcome to Hell.
* * *
We were all hanging out one day (this was before our big adventure Welcome to Hell, but, really, I want to start before the story really begins), and decided to go trip out again. While we were chilling on the couch hearing colors, and seeing music, a big ass hole opened up. Naturally, James got up, and was all:
“Dude. What the fuck is that?”
We all shrugged, and were all: “How the hell should we know?”
Then, this random lady came out and pulled us all into the hole. And here we are now, sitting in the middle of a forest, in Bum-fuck-nowhere, lost as fuck. By the way, we use the f bomb a lot.
“Shit dude.”
“Woah.”
“Are you sure we’re still tripping?” I stand up.
“Guys, we are so totally not tripping. This is nuts. That hole of doom must’ve stolen our trip. Damn, that must be one hungry hole.” We’re all up and looking around this big ass forest. James the Fucking Pixie is floating as usual, two inches off the ground.
KERSMASH!
“HOLY SHIT!”
Some random chick comes out, she’s hella short, and well, floating. Like James does. What the fuck? She’s short, with black hair, and the same stick figurey type figure that James has. She looks at us all wide eyed. Then says (in utter bewilderment),
“JAMES!!! WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN!?”
All eyes go to James. Who’s looking too squeamish for words. She looks so pissed off, you have no idea. James sighs. He looks like he’s on the verge of a really long story I don’t exactly think I want to hear but, he starts on it anyways.
“You guys… This is my cousin. Elena the Fucking Botanist.”
“Damn straight I am! You are in so much trouble mister, you need to get your ass back home right-” James interrupts her.
“ELENA. I am older than you. And the forest isn’t my home anymore. My home is with these guys,” he gestures to us. “And, I’m going to stay with them in California.” Wow, I didn’t think she could get anymore pissed but she is.
Maurise the Narwahl’s cage gets rattled and he says, all slowly and chill-like,
“What exactly happened here?” James sighs again.
“I left the forest because I was tired of living here. And. . . Well, that’s not important.” I look around some more, and notice that this place looks kind of familiar and I can’t remember why. Elena the Fucking Botanist starts going on and on about some weird tangent saying that James is a prince. James motions for us all to head off behind him, and we walk and walk and walk, until we come across something that makes Elena the Fucking Botanist cringe. A tall plant, with magenta dots on the stem, and several braches of little clusters of white flowers.
She reaches for a knife at her waist. The plant has a sleeping face.
Elena whispers, “The Beast of Poison Flowers.”
“Pardon?” James, Harry the Unicorn, Maurise the Narwahl, Jesus and I say.
The “Beast of Poison Flowers doesn’t look so sleeping anymore… Come to think of it, it looks a little like hemlock. Poison hemlock. But, this stuff is controlled in the States. Okay so.. It’s not where we are but. . .
“When are we?” I ask. James looks a little sad.
“About three hundred years into the past.”
“Say what?” Elena the Fucking Botanist looks even more angry.
“You went to the future!? How could you! You know that’s forbidden!”
“To goddamn bad Elena,” James looks over at Jesus and says, “No offense bro. Elena, I left because I wanted to. Not as some revenge or rebellion or anything. I left because I felt like it.” Elena puts her hands on her hips, and then. . . The poison hemlock speaks in a growly voice, that makes the ground rumble,
“A human has entered the forest, a human to be poisoned. A human and friends. The pixies are already dying, the human will only bring about the death to its race. A narwahl, a saint, a unicorn and a pixie, all coming along with the human from the future. A human brought us with it to the future, in the human past, and we easily took over. . . But I can smell that the human knows we did not prevail in devouring the humans. We will devour the pixies, and we will devour the humans. Do not underestimate us human, we know of your ways, and we know how to devour you, your race, and in the course of time we will devour your world. Just as we have done before, and as we will to this forest, this land of creatures unknown to the humans. You all disguise yourselves, the saint, the unicorn, the narwahl and the pixie, so you will remain left in peace. And as the clock continues clicking, the course of time will deceive you, and you will be thrown into a land of destruction.”
Elena the Fucking Botanist mutters,
“Now you’ve done it.” and bolts in the opposite direction, actually flying, not floating as James usually does. He grabs my arm and says,
“We should get going now.” He stops floating and picks me up, actually flying for once, and Jesus follows running in the air, and Maurise and Harry are just chilling floating with us. We stop after a few minutes, and then we land in a village. A village I know I’ve seen before. But. . . When? Oh well. Some old dude with a beard comes up to us, and Elena the Fucking Botanist is hovering behind him. James looks unaffected by the old dude. Even though the old dude looks kind of scary. And, the shouting begins.
“WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG WE WERE LOOKING FOR YOU! THAT HUMAN LURED YOU OUT OF THE FOREST WHERE YOU BELONG! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME!? GETTING HIGH WITH THE SILLY GIRL BEHIND YOU? YOU BETTER TAKE YOUR PLACE AS PRINCE OR YOU WILL NOT TAKE IT BY CHOICE, IT WILL BE HANDED DOWN TO YOU AND YOU WILL! NOT! LEAVE! AGAIN!”
James sighs, I really need to keep track of how often he sighs while we’re here.
“My answer to you is this, she did not lure me out of the forest. I left. I am not going to be prince. I am going to go back to California and be with my friends.”
The old guy motions to some armed dudes with neatos staffs. They stand around Harry, Maurise and Jesus.
“They will leave, you and the human will stay.” He snaps his fingers and
KABLAMO!
They’re gone. What? What? Everyone seems to be staring holes through me. Is it what I’m wearing? I’m just wearing a blue t-shirt, and some jeans. I get why this is all so familiar. I’ve been here before… I remember falling through a hole, and finding myself in some random forest with some random guy looking down at me, and then he took me back to my house, and stayed. Oh, I see what happened. There’s a lot of shouting and what seems to be the same poison hemlock plant comes crashing into the village. Wonderful. You can see the roots, all gross like, with one root, that’s got purpley-red blotches on it. Gross. People are running and screaming, and then there’s me. Going, what the fuck is going on here? Because I really don’t know. There’s quite a few poison hemlock plants now, and I’m being pulled across the courtyard and into a tree. Since when do people hide inside trees? Aren’t you supposed to be up at the top? I look around, Elena the Fucking Botanist was the one who pulled me in here, and with an oomph! James is at the entrance guarding it. Elena looks like she’s about to fess up to something.
“There’s. . . I, well, at the other end of the forest, in the really infested part, there’s the Mother Beast, the original plant that came here. It might be able to help us, some dwarves came through earlier, saying that a huge beast had helped them get rid of a problem, and that the beast was at the far eastern edge of the forest, little did we know. . . All they did was move their problem to our forest.”
“James.”
“Yes?”
“I have a feeling that there’s an adventure landing on our faces.”
* * * * * *
And so we set off, wandering through the forest with a poorly drawn map, and an incentive. Elena gave us her journal where she had written down notes about the poison hemlock plants. There’s notes on how there’s a strong enough toxicity to kill in high doses, and that every part of the plant is poisonous, particularly the root, and she wrote about how at first the plants looked like wild carrots, and they picked the baby plants and ate them, and that’s when people started dying. The biochemistry of the plant is too strange to mention. The notes are very good. It says that the plants can get up to ten feet tall, and the stems are completely hairless. This is very confusing. We’ve been traveling for three days, avoiding getting eaten by the poison hemlock(the plant mutated and will eat people, that’s what you get for living in an enchanted pixie world), and finally making it to the original poison hemlock plant. It’s HUGE I mean GIGANTIC.
It’s just insanely big. It looks like it’s sleeping, until we approach it, and in a very deep, grumbling voice it says,
“Let the human step forward first. She knows what we really are, she knows more than the botanist. Don’t worry child, I will not harm you, unlike my children I do not hunger for flesh, I am content with the sun, the air and the water, my children are unlike me. You wish to know how to get rid of us, it is a very long, harsh path. It takes years, and much dedication, as the clock continues clicking the botanist will find a way. But, for now, you are going home, with the Prince of the pixies. Botanist come here. . . I will show you how to get rid of us, so no more harm can be done to your people.” And, there’s another hole we fall into, the forest swirls and looks creepy, then James and I crash land into the couch.
“That was one crazy adventure.”
“But, for once, it wasn’t actually an Adventure on LSD was it? I don’t know. I just don’t know.”
That was our crazy adventure into the past. And, we have no idea why it happened. We’ve all changed, well, James and I have, he and I are closer after that REALLY LONG ASS WALK through the forest. Fun right? No. Not at all.
I think it's okay, it could use some more character development but, whatever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment